Alien: Covenant Review - In Space, No One Can Hear You Yawn...

The bitch might be back, but this time it's hardly war

2012's Prometheus was rightfully ill-received, given its unbelievably incoherent plot and the convoluted mess that was the origin of the once-simplistic xenomorph, not to mention a horribly out of place back story about the creation of both the alien species and mankind itself. From there it seemed only hopeful that its follow-up, designed to act as both sequel as well as yet another irrelevant prequel to 1979’s Alien, would be an opportunity for director Ridley Scott to at least retcon those mistakes and go back to basics, returning us to the horror roots that made the original and two out of its three direct sequels work. 

Now, if the marketing material and promotional campaign for Alien: Covenant is anything to go by, it would seem that he may have actually learnt from past mistakes. Sadly though, this is not the case.

Set between Prometheus and Alien, Covenant, the sixth film in the franchise (eighth if you include the very unofficial Alien V Predator movies) sees the titular ship carry a crew of fifteen and a cargo of two-thousand colonists-to-be in cryo-sleep on a seven-year deep space trek to a distant, readily-researched world, where they plan to build a new human civilisation. In true Alien fashion though, they decide to investigate a human transmission from another planet whilst en route; an apparently habitable one that they hope to utilise instead of enduring an otherwise lifelong journey to the next.

But not five minutes after touching down on the eerily-silent terrain does the xeno-shit predictably but welcomely hit the fan, when the crew are viciously assaulted by an unforgivingly-violent new species. Sadly though, the nail-biting tension and suspense ends just there, inexplicably-quickly squandered when the film is abruptly - yet perhaps not that surprisingly - weighed down by the same pretentious existential and philosophical nonsense of its predecessor Prometheus, which once again adds nothing to the Alien-verse, and instead moronically convolutes what was once a beautifully basic premise.

Run. Hide. Prey. Don't be fooled by the film's less-is-more marketing

Then there’s the cast, the best of which are quickly done away with, leaving a rather underwhelming Katherine Waterston as the film’s blatant version of Ripley, Daniels, while comedy veteran Danny McBride at least turns a semi-decent hand at horror in preparation for his directorial debut in film later this year with a Halloween sequel. Don’t expect much from James Franco though - just note that’s not a remark on his excellent acting abilities and loveable screen presence. But expect more than plenty from Michael Fassbender, who plays standard accompanying droid Walter as well as reprising his role as Prometheus’ sinister droid David, inexplicably rendering the movie, again just like its predecessor, as some sort of Fassbender vanity project, much like the Resident Evil franchise strangely serves Milla Jovovich than anything or anyone else.

But perhaps the most unwelcome screen-time is for the film’s protagonists, namely the actual xenomorph – as opposed to the variations that litter the film. Not only is the once-feared demon of the stars given the most laughable red carpet arrival, in adult form it is shown in all its horribly digitally-rendered glory, when it is also shown running at full pelt in broad daylight, very unlike the disturbingly-patient, shadow-dwelling stalker we loved-to-hate in the 1979 original. This time, we’re also shown the world through its eyes, and we’re shown where it’s hiding on board the ship, shifting the horror far from the characters’ survival situation to the script writing and the special effects.

All that said, the real problem with Covenant isn’t the film itself – it’s the unending focus on the preposterously-contrived and hugely-unasked for extension to the once straight-forward mythology. Because that’s what I love about the original films – at least the first three; I admire their purity. And while Scott might have made the franchise relevant again with irrelevant prequels, it’s nothing more than an alien resurrection. And you know that’s not a good thing.

Michael Fassbender: both overrated and overused

Verdict: Watch at your own peril. And should you ignore this review, you have my deepest sympathies…

On a more positive note, you might remember a blog post some weeks back on leaving New Zealand where I talked about our visit to Doubtful Sound and how Alien: Covenant was filmed at the nearby fiord Milford Sound. Whilst we didn’t venture over to that one in particular, I did talk in great lengths about the new film with one of our hike guides at the time, who told me how they built the spaceship there and how they blew it up (spoiler alert…) on location. 

Milford Sound: New Zealand's very own alien world

And just seeing the film’s characters land on the mysterious ‘planet’ injected all my senses – and Sian’s too – with déjà vu. In fact, the first thing I thought when we arrived in Doubtful Sound – which we will just think of as Milford’s twin – was just how alien the landscape is, with its unwelcoming silence, its relentless rainfall and its vicious landscape. But that’s not to say it’s not beautiful. It is striking, but as we headed up one of the fiords there on a small ferry, it was just like entering another world. Except of course it was by water. The mountains that line the fiord are dark and ominous, and thick cloud clings to their tops, just like it does in the national park itself, adding to the sense of seclusion and isolation.

On a final note, we watched the movie in the Chinese theatre on Hollywood Boulevard. Just know that the area is a lot scarier than the film itself.